After news hit that Epstein’s was going to start selling its first book, Amazon.com released a statement saying that they were giving up on selling books or anything else online. A spokesman for Amazon said Sunday that, “We are completely overhauling the whole company. Everything is up in the air.” When pressed for more specific details the spokesman made mention that while Amazon was making a good profit on internet reselling, “It just wasn’t satisfying to us in a deeper way. While making money is important, we’ve decided as a company to pursue our real passion, mating exotic albino panda bears.” No mention was made whether these panda bears would be available on their website later in the year.
They concluded with a “thank you” to Epstein’s for “giving us the wake up call that we needed. The release of On the Cutting Edge. A Wood Carver’s Guide to Tool Sharpening, was the final straw. We didn’t realize it was possible for other people to sell things online and that our business model was undercutting all the family businesses that had somehow managed to survive the influx of Walmart into small town America. Once we came to the realization that we were destroying local business, we just couldn’t go on. We did the right thing and decided to pursue our passion with the panda bears.”
News of the change sent Amazon’s stock tumbling, but also caused widespread celebrations throughout the country. While Amazon tried to reassure its stock holders that the panda business would be just as profitable as the eventual take over of the retail market of America, some were skeptical. While some consumers expressed dismay at the thought of having to venture outside their homes to buy things, others were excited at the opportunity. Charles Buford, a local tool enthusiast in Wisconsin was quoted as saying, “Yesterday, I went outside my house for the first time in two years, got in my car and went to the local hardware store. I got to actually pick up the tools and ask people questions about them, and then I paid for them in cash. What an experience!”