So someone threw a brick through our window last night and I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss the various theories of how this could have happened. The first theory I’d like to look at is what I call the “drunken sponge theory”. Basically it supposes that there was a drunk guy stumbling through our neighborhood last night. He stopped at our window and noticed how it looked a little spotty, as we don’t have them cleaned that often. Mistaking a brick for an oversized red sponge, he proceeded to try and clean the window. While most people clean in circular motions, this guy apparently cleans by throwing sponges at things. When he realized his mistake, he ran off in a confused state of exuberant drunkenness. (Note: For equalities sake it could also have been a drunken woman who didn’t know how to clean.)
While there are many points that I like about the “drunken sponge theory”, I don’t think it holds up, which leads me to theory number two, or what I like to call, “The Empire Strikes Back Theory.” This theory maintains that after consistently being beaten on price and customer service, Amazon.com dispatched some minions to try and scare us away from selling our American made tools online. They reached deep into their enormous wealth and bought a brick which was flown to Kansas City, hid in a briefcase and collected at a marked “drop point” where two men in business suits and dark glasses picked it up. These were not just ordinary men, they were professionally trained brick throwers, and at exactly 6:35, they tossed a brick through our window. Afterward they met at a predetermined rendezvous spot where much paper work was filled out and they were paid in the sum of $100,000.
The hole in the “Empire Strikes Back Theory” is that if Amazon would’ve carried out this maniacal plan, they most likely would have outsourced the brick from India or China, and if someone would’ve tried to throw a Chinese brick through our window, the brick most likely would’ve crumbled when it hit the glass. This leads me to my final theory or what I like to call, “The someone is a real dick theory.” This theory supposes that someone is a real dick. I like this theory for its clear simplicity and its practicality. I explained all three theories to the police when they showed up and they also concurred with theory number three. But which one do you think? Write us and and let us know your theory.