So someone threw a brick through our window last night and I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss the various theories of how this could have happened. The first theory I’d like to look at is what I call the “drunken sponge theory”. Basically it supposes that there was a drunk guy stumbling through our neighborhood last night. He stopped at our window and noticed how it looked a little spotty, as we don’t have them cleaned that often. Mistaking a brick for an oversized red sponge, he proceeded to try and clean the window. While most people clean in circular motions, this guy apparently cleans by throwing sponges at things. When he realized his mistake, he ran off in a confused state of exuberant drunkenness. (Note: For equalities sake it could also have been a drunken woman who didn’t know how to clean.)
While there are many points that I like about the “drunken sponge theory”, I don’t think it holds up, which leads me to theory number two, or what I like to call, “The Empire Strikes Back Theory.” This theory maintains that after consistently being beaten on price and customer service, Amazon.com dispatched some minions to try and scare us away from selling our American made tools online. They reached deep into their enormous wealth and bought a brick which was flown to Kansas City, hid in a briefcase and collected at a marked “drop point” where two men in business suits and dark glasses picked it up. These were not just ordinary men, they were professionally trained brick throwers, and at exactly 6:35, they tossed a brick through our window. Afterward they met at a predetermined rendezvous spot where much paper work was filled out and they were paid in the sum of $100,000.
The hole in the “Empire Strikes Back Theory” is that if Amazon would’ve carried out this maniacal plan, they most likely would have outsourced the brick from India or China, and if someone would’ve tried to throw a Chinese brick through our window, the brick most likely would’ve crumbled when it hit the glass. This leads me to my final theory or what I like to call, “The someone is a real dick theory.” This theory supposes that someone is a real dick. I like this theory for its clear simplicity and its practicality. I explained all three theories to the police when they showed up and they also concurred with theory number three. But which one do you think? Write us and and let us know your theory.
26 Comments
I’m guessing that theory #3 is most likely the actual story but one never knows.
I wouldn’t rule out theory #1 just yet. It’s possible.
Surprised to see that you’ve already dismissed the Prodigal Brick theory. That brick was probably very underwhelmed at his reception upon returning home at long last.
Yes, it is possible that the brick is a sentient being and that it threw itself through the window in order to be closer to its kin. I have placed the brick by my desk with another brick, so as it does not get lonely again and decide to do something rash.
Meteorites are most likely random in shape. Not very aerodynamic, but does it look burned ?
Theory Number 4.
Illegal Entry Device.
Yielded by a Graduate and or Want to Be Graduate of the Missouri State Penal System.
I can’t decide if the entry wound looks like a Peace Dove or the symbol for the Wu Tang Clan.
I would say theory 3, but if I had to guess, I’d say this was probably some teenager/young adult acting stupid and trying to look cool in front of friends.
I know if I ever did this as a teenager though, my family would not let me hear the end of this for a very, very long time.
I hope the insurance company won’t be similar to word choice in theory three and that this punk didn’t manage to steal anything or hurt anyone.
I think a cow got word of the large load of his relatives you just got in and retaliated.
These are all good theories!
#1 could not be a woeman we all know how to clean. You should now display in the new window. and label lost but found..
The brick heard that you had good deals on masonry tools. Or, he was jealous because your window was more vitreous than he.
I think the #1
and sorry with this situation.
i believe you are in the right family tree by suspecting dick as the perpetrator, however i think his brother prick was most likely the culprit.
The brick was always there but in a parallel universe. The collapse of a black hole somewhere in the cosmos allowed the two parallels to combined. At the time of the collapse the ions in the glass (a liquid) had a polar shift and they ruptured.
I thinkk it was thrown by a troubled Pink Floyd member, trying to get past writers block whilst trying to compose a follow up album.
But seriously folks, look at that piece of wood! You guys need to get some proper tools like a saw, tape measure and hammer. Maybe you could go to WalMart and get the whole lot for $9.99. genuine saw and hammer, made from aircraft grade aluminum, and proper good tape with real metric inches!
Sorry, I’m in the middle of night shift. I’m in my own little world. Its nice. maybe you can come visit.
Obviously it was someone that has a disdain for glass and glass products.
I bet they said hold my beer and watch this before the glass at topic went smash.
Sorry that happened to good old HJE.
Maybe I missed it above, but did anyone mention the Jazz bar across the street?
Steve
…”good fences make good neighbors.”
Steve
Is the brick for sale?
What a good idea! I’ll put it up on the website tomorrow!
I go for #3 however it could also have been the wannabe cool redneck that says “watch this” and “hold my beer”.
sorry i did not see the same comment posted prior my apologies
It might have been the Amish Mafia from jamesport
Wait! I think I saw Ernest T Bass from Mayberry in KC
Well it’s not the brick that was thrown into my Volvo 244 ! to steal it. $800 car ,$3700 in tools. Have received almost $40 in restitution. But,hey it’s only been 10 years.
Jori start taking bids on the brick!
Someone WILL BUY the Vintage Acme Brick.
Come to think of it, I have a prime suspect that you need the KCMO PD to question.
His name is none other than Wyle E. Coyote, PhD. “Genious”. (Sorry if the spelling is incorrect, don’t have a dictionary handy).
Certainly you do recall him, as he was a regular customer of the ACME Products Line.
Acme, Acme, Acme. Never has done him a bit of good, as he has never been able to catch the Road Runner!
Uh, Earnest T. Bass of Crowley’s Woods, Mayberry County, North Carolina.
Could be another prime suspect.
He did like tossing bricks and Giving Benard P. Fife, M.D., fits.
Thought Earnest T. was NUTTS!
Come to think of it, you might have the constabulatory check out Floyd Larson as well. He was known to have carried a brick from time to time.
Just ask Gomer and Otis!
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